Are You Diffident? Your Opinion Matters!
Depression just loves to take you unawares.
You're going along quite nicely (you think), doing your thing, then 'bang', you're back in its grip.
I've often been asked, 'What's triggered it?' Uh, nothing? That's how it seems to be to me a lot of the time. There doesn't seem to be a reason for it or not one I can think of at the time.
This is one of my problems. One of the consequences of abuse is my inability to form an opinion.
Yep, it's a weird one and one I've not heard of at all. But, it's surprisingly easy to cause this in another person especially when they are a child. A quick look on Google with my search settings at the 'past year' and nothing comes up on the first page. However, if I look at results from 'all time', there are a few links there. It's always been one that is difficult to describe as it's so shocking. How can one not have an opinion? You must know if you like something or not?
Well, yes, to a point I do. But, I couldn't tell you why. Often my response to a film, for example, is 'it's okay.' Then, that will vary in tone depending on whether it's better than okay or not.
I've found a link where the question asked is:
Wow, I mean, there is really a name for it?
One of the answers given is:
'Since it has not yet been mentioned, I'll add ambivalent. It does not imply indifference, but it does imply an inability or refusal to decide definitively.'
I'd rather much rather go with Diffident:
1. lacking confidence in one's own ability, worth, or fitness; timid; shy.
2. restrained or reserved in manner, conduct, etc.
3. Archaic. distrustful.
Point one is the description I feel more attuned to. It's a scary thought and not something I've ever had treatment for. Basically, by learning to write reviews, I have improved a lot but I still have difficulties.
But, how can it happen?
In my case, any time I gave my opinion, which included my thoughts and feelings, I was shouted down. I was described as 'wrong, special, unique, angry, moody..' the list goes on. One day in my abuser's diary was the entry, 'Tina, was right for once.' So, all those years before and after, I was wrong. Incomprehensible and impossible.
So, instead of giving my opinion, I learnt to suppress it. No given opinion, no put downs. Made sense to me. Unfortunately, the consequences were dire. Even, sharing an article on the internet became difficult for me. I was unable to say why I liked it/didn't like it or why it meant something to me. My followers were not able to get to know the real me. It's devastating in a social and business setting. Book reviews have become easier for me over the years but it has taken me 17 years to get to this point. My opinion on other matters still cause me endless problems.
If only those who abuse could see the effect that their poor treatment of others have.
How about you? Can you relate to this?
December 20th, 2017