The Thing With Hope
Hope (she) seems to be the one thing that all must have if they are to cope with whatever life throws at them. The trouble is, she is extremely difficult to hang onto and once she's gone, you can't just wish her back.
In order to have hope, you have to have something to be hopeful for; to base that hope on. She is not something that you can just wish for or develop just out of nowhere. In my case, I don't recall ever having hope at all. It's not that I didn't have any but more to do with the fact that I didn't recognise it for what it was. It is something that we all have naturally. However, it's an emotion and it's these that I have trouble with (I will get to that later.)
I've come across the phrase, 'you've got to have hope that things will get better,' from people who should have known better. I.e. these are the people that profess that they have had training in any form of counselling. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people who say this have no idea what living with mental health problems is all about.
In those who have suicidal ideation, like me, the hope has gone or has been oppressed. The only to get it back is for something in my life to happen that I can base that hope on. E.g. if something positive happens that helps to dispel the idea that life is not worth living, then maybe things are on the up. Maybe, I can then hope that I will get better. Of course, one positive event is not enough to override a life time of negative. It takes time, hard work, and a lot of support.
At this point in my life I do not have any hope and I am extremely offended and incredulous when it is requested of me.
How I feel (and it's the reason why I'm suicidal) is that it's had 39 years to materialise and my life to subsequently improve, so why should it appear now, just because I've been told to have it?
Okay, if I was to take away the borderline, the severe depressive disorder and the social anxiety to leave me with the Dysthymic disorder. That, in itself, can only be treated with anti-depressants such as Prozac. It cannot be cured. It is a fault in my brain. The depression and sickness that comes with no treatment is more than enough to drive me over the edge. It is debilitating.
December 10th, 2017